Keep It Inside
by bb.pezberry
Summary: Semi-Au. Rachel knew this day was coming and yet, why does it hurt so much to watch her best friend try on wedding dresses? Monica x Rachel
1. Part One

**Keep It Inside**

Part One

To be honest, she was hoping this day wasn't going to be arriving so soon. It shocked her when she first heard the news about Chandler wanting to move in. And it surprised her even more when Chandler announced that he was going to ask Monica to marry him. It's not that she wished unhappiness and failure upon Monica's love life, no. She was happy, she genuinely was extremely happy that her best friend has found someone but something always pulled her back. There was always this sinking feeling whenever she found out that the two were moving deeper into their relationship. It all started when she first found out about their secret relationship all those years ago. Over hearing that conversation struck more than curiousity in Rachel's heart.

And since then Rachel had to contain all of these unwanted feelings. Chandler wasn't just any guy, after all. She knew that he was perfect for Monica and she knew that they could even be soul mates. No matter what happened between them she never spoke up and tried to convince Monica to break up with him or vice versa, she never interfered because that would just be wrong. All this time she knew that they would somehow end up married and yet…

Why does it hurt to stand there watching her best friend try on wedding dresses?

"How about this one?" she asked Rachel, twirling in place to give her a better view.

Rachel stared a little longer than she should have but she felt she deserved it. After all, how often did she get to see her best friend radiate in beautiful white dresses? The dress didn't feel right so she shook her head, "No, this isn't the one."

"Alright!" the excitement in Monica's voice hinted that she wasn't so happy with it either. She just wanted a second opinion. It kind of felt weird not having Phoebe around but she was going to be late, apparently. It was good for Rachel considering that whenever Monica went back into that change room her face reflected the despair she felt inside.

These feelings had lingered much longer than Rachel had ever expected. No one but herself knew of these feelings. It made her relieved actually that she never kept a diary considering the many times that her _almost diaries_ were discovered by friends and siblings. If anyone found out that she thought of Monica in a way that was beyond their close friendship…the thought wouldn't even complete itself in her head.

If she were to be honest with herself, they probably started when they were in high school. Those countless nights where she had to convince Monica that she was beautiful despite what her bullies had told her, those nights where Monica was the only one who knew how to comfort her when guys would break her heart and those nights where they would just cuddle and watch movies together were all reminders that maybe, in some life the two were meant to be together.

But there was always that fear of rejection, that fear that their friendship could be eternally different if she said anything. And this held her back all those years and kept her striving for someone else. She turned a blind eye away from her feelings, no matter what triggered them or how strong they seemed to be.

It died down when the two lost contact for a while. Rachel missed her friend dearly but the distance helped her get over her highly supressed feelings for her best friend. Later in college she even kissed a girl. Although Monica knows of this story, she never told her the part about how despite her intoxication she imagined it was her who she was kissing.

Eventually she found Barry and they almost got married. Who would have thought that when she ran out on him, the person who was there to catch her was Monica? It almost felt like fate when she ran into that coffee shop and met up with Monica and the others.

Living together felt like a dream in spite of the nightmare that was the mess of her life that she had created since leaving that altar. Monica and the others helped her adjust to her new life and late at night when she just needed to cry over the stress of it all, Monica was the one who held her. Even after all that time, Monica was the one at her side.

Of course the feelings came rushing back, but no matter what the situation Rachel didn't have it in her to tell Monica about how she felt. It was clear that nothing could happen and each day she pushed to just forget about the prospect of them being together.

And then there was Ross. She wouldn't exactly call him a second Monica but the two were similar. She grew up with both of them and honestly she was always fond of his awkwardness. He was sweet and not to mention incredibly handsome (of course after that afro and cheesy mustache combination). Rachel knew about his feelings back then but never really thought of them as something incredibly important. She grew up having guys at her feet so it never really occurred to her that what Ross felt for her was something that would have lasted for 9 years and beyond. But then they became so much more after the brooch and the struggle with Julie. He made her happy and she knew that she loved him as much as he loved her.

Her relationship with Ross all these years though, no word was perfect enough to describe it. The closest would be complicated if that was even good enough word to satisfy their history. And even then, after all they've been through she's had these stupid lingering feelings for Monica.

The heart was never her biggest fan after all.

"What about this one?" Rachel was too much in a daze to hear her the first time, "Rach, sweetie?"

She shook her head and put on her best smile, "Oh, sorry, I was just thinking about…" before she could even think of an excuse her tongue got caught in her throat. This dress, _this _was the dress.

"_I know_!" Monica yelled before twirling for Rachel.

It took a lot of strength for Rachel to find words. Luckily enough for her, Phoebe had walked in.

Rachel placed a hand over her heart in relief as Monica ran to Phoebe, twirling and showing off her dress in excitement. This gave her enough time to find some composure and to once again tuck her feelings away for the moment.


	2. Part Two

**Keep It Inside**

Part Two

As expected from previous experience, Monica wanted to stay in the dress for a while longer. Phoebe had found a way to convince the store owner that them taking over one of the dressing rooms wasn't too big of a problem. Rachel smiled softly at her best friend before turning away to call work. They were going to be there all day most likely so she had to take the day off.

"Aw man, I'm so jealous," Phoebe stated, staring at Monica with admiration and a touch of envy, "I kind of want to try dresses on myself, like what we did before!"

Rachel nodded at her friend before realizing that Phoebe wanted her to join her in this feat, "I don't know…I don't really feel like it."

The two were the only ones conversing for Monica was off on the other side of the room checking herself out in the mirror.

"Oh, are you okay Rachel?" Phoebe's voice was coated in concern. Of course she could tell that something was wrong – they all jumped at the prospect of wearing wedding dresses for the fun of it. Not to mention that Phoebe was always incredibly observant.

Rachel turned to Monica before making her eyes meet Phoebe again, "I-I'll tell you later. I'm just not up for that right now."

Phoebe's eyes flickered with confusion, "Monica?" And then she gasped, "Oh my God."

This was it, damn that Buffay and her observational skills. She could tell, couldn't she? She probably saw the blush on Rachel's face when Monica showed off a little too much of the dress or maybe she noticed how strange she was acting since she entered earlier or-

"You're in love with Chandler, aren't you?" her question was so quick and low that Rachel almost felt like falling over.

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at Phoebe's false accusation, "No, that's not it," Rachel managed to answer before making a very strange face. Her emotions were mixed up with anger and confusion and relief but she was able to swallow them. Monica always called her a cry baby but when it was necessary, she was able to keep it inside. At least, for a little while. When this emotional rollercoaster was over she'd be able to take everything out on her bed.

Phoebe stared at Rachel and searched her eyes for the truth. "Okay, we'll discuss this later then," her face was full of curiosity before something dawned on her.

Rachel recognized that facial expression and shook her head furiously. "No, no Pheebs, it's okay it's-"

"Mon, um, I gotta go home for a bit."

Monica stopped what she was doing and wandered over to her friend, "What, why?"

"I uh- I left the shower on," she nodded then frowned at the memory before turning to Rachel and winking. Rachel on the other hand had a good grip of the side of her pants. She stretched the clothing then smoothed it out, trying to calm down.

"What?" Monica replied in near disbelief.

"Yeah, I left it on and I just remembered and just, don't worry I'll be back within the next hour or so." Phoebe didn't give Monica or Rachel any time to debate with her and she left.

Monica turned to Rachel, "How do you accidentally leave the shower on? Sometimes, that Phoebe can be really-"

"Hey Mon," Rachel didn't really know what she was about to say or what was going to happen but she felt like Phoebe gave her an opening. It was strange how even though whatever she's thinking is probably way off the line, she gave her the perfect opportunity. Does she say it now? What should she do?

"Yeah, Rach?" Monica was starting to pick up something strange at this point. She looked deeply into Rachel's eyes and reached out for her hand, "If something's bothering you, you can tell me? I know I can get really selfish about my wedding day but-"

She really felt bad for interrupting her again, "Look, Monica I-" she was going to do it, this was it she was going to let it all out, "How are you going to dance in that?" was all she managed to get out in the end. It was better than nonsense and it was definitely better than an actual confession. _You've gone this far Green, you can make the homestretch,_ she thought to herself before continuing. Yes, once the wedding was done and over with her feelings would have to make a pass. It was one thing when they were together but once they're married she'd have to light up and extinguish these feelings herself.

Monica checked herself out again and realized the importance of Rachel's question, "I don't know. Well, I can't dance any worse than Chandler will at the reception so," she paused and then her eyes lit up, "Hey, we should dance right here, right now."

Rachel was clearly taken aback by the offer, almost fumbling over herself. It's not that it was a surprising offer, they had to do something within the next couple hours and they did dance the last time in their living room in the dresses just for the fun of it.

"Come on, it'll be great practice! I want to be perfect at the wedding in every way possible," she grabbed both of Rachel's hand at this point and pulled her closer.

Rachel just laughed in response and with a groan said, "Fiiiiine." Monica was basically irresistible now. Her hair as always, looked perfect, she was glowing in her wedding dress and the smile on her face made her wonder why she wasn't the one with guys falling at her feet all the time.

"But there's no music," Rachel mentioned as Monica started moving to an inaudible beat. She didn't respond but simply spun her in response.

"Then we'll make our own music," she replied, humming to some swing song she knew but can't seem to recall the name of.

Rachel just went along with it and danced like they were both back in high school. Back when they both ended up dateless at one of the homecoming dances and just danced like no one was watching.

After Monica's make shift song ended, the two paused to take a breath.

"Yeah, I think you'll be fine," Rachel huffed as she caught her breath, "Although with moves like that, it's a good thing you and Chandler will have sealed the deal by the time you show them off."

Monica punched Rachel playfully before keeping her hand on her shoulder, "Oh shut up! One, for your information he's already seen me dance and two, have you seen _Chandler _dance? And three, have _you_ seen you dance? Yeah, you're lucky you have a pretty face."

The two laughed at each other before deciding to sit down on the cushions provided in the room. Only a minute after sitting down, Monica was back to admiring herself in the dress.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Rachel said softly, placing a strand of Monica's hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, I really wish they invented more occasions where I could wear this." Rachel just laughed at her best friend before almost stiffening as Monica scooted closer to her and rested her head on her shoulder. She inhaled deeply but quietly, trying to compose herself. She tried to find the words she wanted to say but her stupid heart was beating too fast. It was frustrating, considering that Monica's head had rested on her shoulder a million times before. What made her so nervous this time?

"Well, you get to wear it now, right? That's one more time besides the wedding," it was a miracle that her voice didn't shake at all when she said that. Monica's perfume was starting to feel like some sort of poison at this point.

"That's true."

Then silence. Monica was enjoying her stay on Rachel's shoulder and Rachel was trying her best not to inhale Monica's hair as she laid there.

"Rach, you're my best friend."

What? Rachel almost twitched at her sudden words but turned to her side to see Monica facing her. Her blue eyes were striking and a little misty, "You're my maid of honour and honestly I can't be happier that you've been a part of all this. You and Phoebe and even the guys, I just can't believe the wedding is so close."

Rachel just nodded before exhaling slowly, "We all just want to make sure your special day is as perfect as you envisioned it." She smiled and did her best to keep her gaze on Monica. In her mind this seemed like the perfect opportunity to kiss. And it was, but not in the sense that she wanted. She kissed Monica's forehead and stood up, knowing deep down inside her heart that she would regret her next move.

"How about we practice your slow dancing?" she muttered, clenching her fists behind her back.

Monica lit up at the idea and held out her hands for Rachel to grab.

This time there was no made up music or memories of their high school days. Monica and Rachel just held each other close and swayed to an imaginary beat. Rachel knew that Monica was just enjoying the moment so she did her best to absorb the memory as much as she could. Surely this wouldn't be the last time they did something like this but it was the only time she'd be dancing with Monica and imagining that she was her own wife.

Did she think about marrying Monica? Maybe at one point of her life. She always knew she felt something, something strange and mysterious towards Monica but it was hard to imagine a future with her after imagining how she should never tell her about how she really felt. Did she imagine maybe living with her best friend with the rest of her life? Maybe, maybe she did. Did she imagine confessing her feelings and having Monica share them in return? Maybe. Did she imagine maybe taking things further and maybe even adopting kids one day? If she kept a dream journal she could imagine more clearly the things she wanted to do with Monica deep down in her heart. Every time she would awake from such a dream, she tried to sweep it away. Her imagination got her in trouble before. It was such a dangerous tool and yet her imagination was the only place where she could be perfectly happy and together with Monica.

But that's the thing – it was always and it will always just be in her imagination. Her romantic relationship with Monica will always be a 'what if' because it was just too hard to go there. It was too hard to risk their relationship and it was way too late at this point because Monica was happy with Chandler and she had already planned her future with Chandler. And sure, of course Monica would always be a part of her life but just as friends and always as the best of friends. Nothing more.

It was stupid thinking about it so much, she had told herself that she'd accepted this fate over and over again and yet it didn't manage to stop the hurting.

Monica's head was on Rachel's shoulder at this point and she felt like screaming. It was so unreal, in her mind she felt like they were just so perfect together. By their close proximity it was easy to tell that their bodies fit together and their years of friendship proved that their minds and yes even their hearts fit together. But - just not in the way she's always wanted it to.

"You know what Rach?" Monica spoke up, throwing Rachel off her train of thought.

"Yeah, Mon?"

"I always thought of you as the sister I never had. I love you so much."

And it was statements like those that guaranteed how hopeless everything was. That was it, that was the reality. They were close but never close like lovers were. They were best friends, best buddies, the two sides of the same coin, two platonic soul mates who were always drawn to each other, but they were never meant to be.

She didn't respond right away and it took every fibre of her being to not cry at that moment. Instead, Rachel just pulled Monica closer and whispered, "I love you, too."


	3. Part Three

**Keep It Inside**

Part Three

"Sweetie, are you okay?" Monica had somehow caught the tear that managed to escape from Rachel's eye. She swore intensely in her head but nothing much could be done about it. She just had to roll with it.

"I'm just," it was horrible having to lie to your best friend but Rachel didn't have much of a choice, "I'm just so happy for you."

Monica put on the biggest smile and squeezed Rachel tighter in a hug, "I'm happy for me too! You're so sweet."

Rachel forced a smile and finished her small sobbing session to prevent herself from exploding while they were still together.

That night she had the most horrendous dream.

_It was the day of Monica's wedding and she felt butterflies throughout. The deepest corridors of her mind were open and everything in her body was telling her to say it, to express her feelings. Her heart had taken over her body and when Monica and Chandler exchanged their vows, she shouted, "I object!"_

_Everyone held looks of shock. Joey looked confused out of his mind, Ross looked like he was about to faint, Phoebe looked away from the whole commotion, and Chandler and Monica wore identical looks of surprise._

"_Monica, you can't do this. I love you, I love you and I've always loved you." Rachel watched herself in horror and screamed in silent terror for herself to stop but of course, nothing stopped her. "I know this seems so out of the blue and-"_

Rachel managed to wake herself up before she finished that nightmare.

She was in a cold sweat and her eyes felt sore from all the crying she had done since returning from the wedding dress shop. Phoebe had been eying her strangely since her return and Rachel knew that she was going to confront her about it the next day.

She had a similar dream when Monica announced her engagement but at the time it didn't seem so horrifying. This nightmare felt almost real and it started to make her nervous thinking about the wedding day. Sure, it was still a ways away but the anxiety would just get worse with each passing day.

Rachel had come to terms with having to tell Phoebe everything so hopefully, maybe, just maybe telling someone was going to make it go away. Or at least make it less provoking.

It was only 4AM so after getting herself some water, she tried to settle down in her bed again.

Her eyes felt too dehydrated to continue her crying so she just switched between tossing and turning, staring at her ceiling and holding her face in her hands.

"It's just for today," she kept reminding herself, "It was just the stupid wedding dress. It's the stupid dress and the stupid wedding and Monica being so pretty and beautiful and just flawless and so happy why, why can't I just?"

She threw one of her pillows at the ceiling and it fell back and hit her in the face. There was just no winning tonight.

7AM was a reasonable time to get up. She had woken up from the same nightmare at least 4 more times before she decided to just stop trying. It felt impossible to get back to bed and even though she wasn't a morning person, at least getting out of her room made her feel better than her sweat and tear drenched bed.

Joey wasn't up yet so she had the living room to herself. She sat on the couch and stared at the empty apartment. Rachel figured that she needed some sort of outlet for her emotions before she went and did exactly what she was so horrified to see in her sleep.

But then there was a knock on the door.

It was always a strange moment when one of their friends would actually knock. It always felt so natural, especially at this point for them to just enter like they owned the place.

Rachel wandered over to the door and opened it to reveal Phoebe. She let herself in, closed the door behind her and opened up her arms for Rachel.

Now she wasn't sure if Phoebe really knew what was going on, but she sensed that her eyes were red from the damage of the night before. After only a little bit of hesitation, she accepted Phoebe's embrace and started to shake in her arms.

She felt secure and comforted as Phoebe stroked her hair and held her tight. It made her so thankful for her friends in this moment. No matter how alone she felt, one of them always made their entrance when she needed them most.

After managing to compose herself, Rachel broke off the hug and looked at Phoebe with misty eyes, "I…"

Phoebe smoothed her hair out before nodding, "I know."

It took about an hour for Rachel to properly articulate her feelings for Monica to Phoebe. It felt strange, like opening up some room in her heart that had been closed off for years now. There was dust everywhere but the content stayed intact. Rachel felt liberated, almost. Nothing was solved, but having shared the information made her feel much better. Phoebe held her hand the entire time and pushed Rachel whenever she started to stammer.

"Wow," Phoebe said after 10 minutes of silence to soak everything in, "I had no idea. And usually, I can pick up on these things."

Rachel smiled a little at her comment. Phoebe wasn't going to be weird about it and she was incredibly thankful for that. Had she told anyone else, things would have certainly turned out differently.

"I've been good at suppressing it," Rachel responded, twirling her fingers through her hair, "If Monica or anyone else ever found out I wouldn't know what to do."

Phoebe nodded before getting up to make the two of them some coffee, "But what are you going to do now? These feelings are obviously still strong and look at you, you're a mess!"

"Thanks," Rachel replied sarcastically.

"You're welcome," Phoebe answered with a small smile.

The two shared some silence as the coffee was made. Rachel found the smell comforting and decided to prop both of her elbows on the counter she was leaning on before resting her head on her hands. Her entire body felt heavy at this point.

"I don't know, what can I do?" Rachel wondered out loud.

Phoebe waited for the coffee to finish before thinking of an answer. It was difficult to formulate Rachel's next step since the entire scenario was so complicated to begin with. She tried to think of what she would do if she was in this situation. And then she stopped, thinking that she probably would have spoken up years ago. The fact that this had gone on for so long, maybe it was too late to say anything and get a positive reaction? As she played the different ways Rachel could confess her feelings, it all ended in confusion, anger and disappointment, not to mention buckets of tears.

But such emotions that have lasted for this long, was there really a way to truly get it out of the way without…actually getting it out of the way. Phoebe can tell by Rachel's face that she feels much better than how she felt when she just came in. Telling her probably made her feel much better.

Therapy? No, too expensive and Rachel would never do it. And then Phoebe remembered something significant from her childhood.

"When I was a kid," she started, bracing herself for the story she was about to tell. She didn't like getting too emotional in front of her friends, especially about this topic but remembering it triggered something. Or maybe some of Rachel's heartache rubbed itself on her?

"Yeah?" Rachel urged Phoebe on, intrigued with what was potentially coming up.

"When I was a kid, or well teenager I guess, after my mom died I was really upset," she took a sip of her coffee before continuing, "I was upset and confused and I had a lot of emotions I had to deal with. But then so much was happening all at once that I couldn't really relinquish it properly."

Rachel nodded, thinking that she might have a clue as to where Phoebe was going with this.

"I had a lot of feelings towards my mother that I couldn't really express, especially since I was just a lost kid at the time and she was gone. But one day, I decided to write her a letter." Phoebe paused, "I wrote about everything, how angry I was, how disappointed I was, how much I missed her, how much I wanted her to come back, how confused I was about life in general."

"So you think I should write Monica a letter?" Rachel replied. Phoebe just nodded and Rachel felt like the moment was appropriate for a hug.

"But, I can't send it," Rachel continued, "And if she found it, I have no idea what could happen then."

Phoebe appreciated how Rachel held onto her but broke the hug and sat down with her. Taking another sip of her coffee she spoke up again, "Write it to her and then burn it. That way, you let out all of your feelings as if she was going to read it and then destroy it so that she could never find it."

"Oh," Rachel responded, leaving her mouth open a little longer while pondering the possibilities.

"You felt so much better when you told me everything, right?" Rachel just nodded, "I think all you need to do is let out your feelings and then maybe you can move on. You've suppressed them for so long that they're just dying to come out. Especially now that you're watching her get married."

At that moment Joey exited his room in half a daze. He was still a little asleep but he probably picked up the smell of the coffee. After taking a seat next to Rachel, he greeted her a good morning before flinching upon recognizing Phoebe's presence.

"Oh hey Phoebe! What are you girls talking about?"

Rachel turned to Phoebe and reconfirmed with her about how private this was.

"Oh nothing, we were just talking about girl stuff like," she paused to think for a moment, "Like our menstruation cycle."

Joey made a face of disgust, "Oh, okay, I'm glad I missed that."

Phoebe and Rachel exchanged glances before Phoebe went for the door, "I'm going to go now. I promised a friend of mine that I'd take care of his Peepee."

The other two looked at Phoebe with disbelief, "His dog! Geez, get your mind out of the gutters guys." They just turned to each other before she left them behind.

"So you girls just talk about blood coming out of you all the time?"

Rachel opened her mouth before closing it and refusing to talk about it, "I'm just going to get back to my room."

Joey looked at her with disappointment, "Alright. I'm just going to go next door for breakfast then, see you there?"

"Yeah, just a minute," she lied. This would take a while.

After scoping her room for pen and paper, she took a deep breath and started writing. She thought it would take a while to properly write down her feelings but once she started, she couldn't stop writing. Rachel had forgotten, but she was very good at putting her feelings down on paper if it was necessary. It only took her an hour to finish, and when she finished she just read it over to herself. She started crying in the middle of it, but finished with a smile. It was nice to imagine giving it to Monica and having her smile back and say she felt the same way, but that would never happen.

Phoebe's idea was brilliant though because after writing out everything, she felt much better. Maybe it was because she imagined actually saying all these things to Monica and not just keeping them inside and thinking maybe they were just temporary or her feelings just felt so big because she had been suppressing them for so long.

But no, she was completely honest with herself and with Monica in the letter and it felt great. If it wasn't for the fact that Monica was getting married within the next week or so, she would probably give this letter to her. But it was too late after all. And of course, maybe she would always have the feelings lingering but maybe after they got married it would disappear with time. Rachel took the letter and crumpled it up into a little ball.

Her feelings, all of them, were on these two pieces of paper and as easily as they came out, they would disappear. She took out the small lighter she had and set fire to her outspoken emotions. Things weren't fixed but at least now she had let Monica know about the things kept in her heart without actually telling her. It wasn't perfect and it most definitely wasn't a quick fix but it was a first step. As she watched the fire burn her paper, she felt satisfied enough. Hopefully it was a symbol of how soon, her feelings will burn up and just be another memory, just like this letter.

_Monica,_

_I have a confession to make. Actually, it's much bigger than a confession but I can't really think of a better word for it. I was never really good with words anyway, at least when it comes to this. And it sucks, it's always sucked to not be able to tell someone how you feel. I'm not horrible at it; I mean I've been able to keep relationships for a long time. I've always been able to. But us, we're something different. Clearly expressing to you how I feel is like running an endless marathon._

_I could go on for ages about how much I love how much you love your friends, or how passionate you are about cooking, or how smart you are, or how adorable you are, or how beautiful you are, or how funny you are even when you don't try and I could go on forever so I'll only share a piece of this for you. Enough that you understand how I feel but not too much that you know every detail like how when I saw you for the first time in your wedding dress I wanted to kiss you all over and take you home with me. Um…_

_This is probably confusing to you and you probably have no idea where I'm going with this. To be honest, I can't promise that this letter will be perfect. Everything's just overflowing and - anyway, I should probably be getting to the point._

_I love you._

_You've heard this from me since we were kids so maybe it's lost much of its meaning. By that I mean, you know I love you and I know you love me too but you _don't_. You don't know. And to be honest I have said I love you and meant it in a different way but you could never tell. It was always the same with us. We're best friends, after all. We have been best friends since forever. I can't say I've been in love with you this entire time but there was a point in all these years where it happened. I can't exactly tell you when it all started but just know that I've been fighting it year after year._

_I freaked out when I first realized it. I'm not a lesbian, just to clear that up I just, you're special. You've always been special Mon, you've always been my number one. Since we had our first secret best friends only sleepover and until the end of time you'll be my number one. And even years from now when you're happy with Chandler and I'll be happy with someone else, you'll still be my number one._

_I've tried my best not to make it obvious. It really helps since you're so affectionate yourself. All of our hugs, all of those times we snuggled and even the few kisses we shared were amazing. And I know a lot of friends do that sort of thing, kissing your forehead or your cheek or something but I treasured every one of them because it was the closest I'd ever get._

_Well, except for that time we kissed for Chandler and Joey. Is it possible that that kiss felt like it lasted for a second and for eternity at the same time? I remember after how embarrassed I was when Phoebe told us that it looked like we were really into it. I was, what about you? It sure felt like something more was there but it was probably just my imagination and the fact that I had been waiting for a moment like that for a long time._

_I know this is probably extremely overwhelming but I've been keeping these feelings hidden for a long time. This letter was the only way I could tell you without breaking down and crying or saying something completely stupid like, 'Don't marry Chandler!'. You would probably think less of me, wouldn't you? Or would you have pitied me? Or maybe, maybe you would have exclaimed the love you've also been suppressing throughout these years?_

_You know when Chandler had all that trouble proposing to you I thought about what I would do if we ever got that far. Which I mean, if we got together we would get that far because if you were mine I would never let you go. Anyway, remember your eighteenth birthday when my dad let us have the cottage for the weekend? You cleaned and cooked and well…did everything but I showed you the place and we had so much fun. You said you'd never forget that night when we looked at the stars and fell asleep sharing the same sleeping bag outside instead of the nice beds inside the cabin. I was too embarrassed to say it but you were always my favourite bed. Anyway, I wanted to bring you back up there for a week and each day we would have a theme taken from the time we've spent together. It sounds cheesy and probably a little over the top but it would have been so organized and wonderful you would have loved it anyway. Then again, I keep thinking that you would probably be the one proposing since you're the one who always loved taking charge._

_There's just so much I've thought about. I always tried to push it back but you have to admit that we would be perfect together. You complete me Monica and I complete you. I just love you so much and I know you love me too, even if it isn't in the same sense. _

_But you're with Chandler now and you're happy. And I couldn't be happier, honestly. A part of loving someone is wanting their happiness. I may not always be the cause of it but Chandler is a good guy and I love him and I trust that he'll be perfect for you. I support you and I'll always support you, no matter how much this hurts. But I'm sure I'll get over it someday so please don't worry about me. I just wanted to let you know the truth. I just wanted to let this all out and get on with my life._

_So that's it Mon, I love you. I love you and it's been killing me all these years having to keep it hidden. But now that it's out in the open I think I can accept that we'll always just be friends. If not your lover, I can be your sister, I can be your best friend, I'll be whatever you want me to be. I promise to always be by your side and do whatever I can do in my power to keep our relationship strong. _

_Just, one more time. I love you._

_Rachel_

**[**_**A/N: Thank you guys for following through with this! I'm still new to writing for this fandom so I hope I did the pairing justice. I want to say thank you to Exintaris for supporting me and a shout out and a big thank you to my friend Joanna who convinced me to start writing for them. I write all of these are for you Joanna, don't forget that! It's been fun so expect more Monchel (Monica/Rachel) in the future.**_**]**


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